Women In The Church

I have had the pleasure in my short journey into ministry so far to be positively affirmed as a woman. Last year at the Woman's World Day of Prayer, two Roman Catholic nuns made a point of expressing their delight that the Church of Ireland ordained women and their regret that this avenue was not open to them. Today at the tea following the Ecumenical Harvest Service I was approached by another Roman Catholic nun who said that she would be praying for me and that she was delighted that I was approaching ordination as she felt regret that she could progress no further with her own vocation, a doctrinal glass ceiling. It is both humbling and daunting to realise that I am regarded as a representative of my gender as well as myself.

It was with this in mind that I was very disturbed to read in the Church Times over the weekend about the Curate, Rev Yvonne Hobson in Cornwall who has received another death threat in a continuing campaign against her. The postcard that the lastest threat was written on was found in a Bible in her stall in the church. She had just returned from leave of absence following a series of threats last year which included a hate letter campaign. How awful is that? A person called by God to further the work of the Kingdom threatened by backward looking individual, too cowardly to engage publicly with what they profess to believe.

I am unfamiliar with the direct challenge to my vocation on the basis of my gender but I am conscious that I do not have the acceptance I would wish from all around me. I am saddened by intolerance and have spent time this weekend thinking about my own intolerances with interesting results. It is the kind of self examination that takes a lifetime of checking into rather than a weekend. I find it hard to deal with intolerance as it speaks of feeling superior to another individual or group. What a dangerous concept. Jesus mixed with those who society dismissed, He didn't see the labels given by others, so why do we insist in doing so, and worse, applying some of our own?

Tomorrow I hope to attend a debate in Trinity College on the subject of the role of women in the church held by the Theological Society. Funny how things come together when you're are thinking about stuff.

Heavenly Father spare us from the idea that we are any better - or any more called -than anyone else. Amen

Back To School

The Summer is over, the chance to manage my own time has gone, the routine has kicked back in. I am at the end of my second Pre term Week. Last week we did a module on marriage issues. It was a really peculiar place to be as I fell between the two states, neither married nor truly single. I could relate to some of it and not to others. Ironically the week we discussed it was the week of what would have been my 21st wedding anniversary. I wonder how different life would be if Julian hadn't died.

Week 2 held the thrills of youth work. I am relieved to discover that I don't need to have the zany hyperactivity of a Saturday morning children's entertainer to have a chance to succeed and that there are lots of resources out there to help me cope that don't involve copious quantities of Valium! It has been one of those weeks that need time to inwardly digest but the more I heard the term "unchurched" the more uncomfortable I became with it in the youth work context at least. I prefer "unsupported by the church" as it has less of a them and us feel to it and seems to draw gentler boundaries. Unchurched almost suggests blame for the condition to me but I feel that more often people do not realise that they can gain support for this life through the Christian community if it fulfils its true purpose. Unspoken and unconditional support that does not necessarily require initial contact to be so conformist.

Jess is readjusting to life as a student and all that suddenly losing a full time job entails. Jonathan is mooching through life and playing hockey. We have just discovered that he can do one of his work experience modules with the Gardai in the West of Ireland, courtesy of my brother.
Mum is progressing well and leaves hospital on Monday after 3 and a half months. I hope and pray that things settle down well with the new care schedule and it allows her to remain at home in the long term.

Thats about all folks, the postings will be sporadic but I hope to continue them. Even if I'm the only one reading them!

Difficult Memories

Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of my heart not only being broken but completely obliterated. On the 13th of September 1988 a policeman arrived at my door and tried to kindly break the news that my husband of 11 months and 13 days had died in a traffic accident on his way home from work. To say that I loved him is an understatement. To say that I have learned to forget him is an insult.

I always felt that WH Auden expressed loss so beautifully in Funeral Blues:

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

He did not choose to leave me and I know that he died loving me as his last words at the accident scene were for me. It is impossible to explain the grand passion that was our relationship. It had an intensity of feeling that still haunts me in dreams many years later. I had a feeling that we would not have much time together (a gift from God) and boy did we pack a lot in. I realise that I have written this much without speaking of Julian by name. He was a once off. He had a difficult adolescence and had lived quite a life before I met him. I was seen in some circles as his stabilising influence but I think that by the time he met me he was just ready to seek a sense of home and I was more than happy to be that home. I never doubted his love and felt bathed in its sunshine.

In the days after he died, I couldn't eat or sleep. I couldn't fathom the rest of my life without the love, care and light that he brought to me. The intensity of that pain is with me still in a reflected form. I still miss him with an ache that will only be relieved by being with him again.

Julian couldn't sing a note or hold a tune but he still sang to me Van Morrison's "Have I told You Lately That I Love You". Up at his grave in Enniskerry on Saturday I could still hear the song in my mind. I have loved, do love and will always love the man who promised never to leave me if it was his choice. He is buried where he asked to be laid at rest a couple of weeks before his death. I miss him.

I do wonder what our life would have been like if he were still alive and I am a realist and I also wonder what problems we may have had by now and if our relationship would have survived them. I will always wonder these things but there is one thing that I am sure of - we will have the chance to meet again in the life after this one when every tear wil be brushed from every eye. Thank God for the hope in the future. I still miss him.

I still miss him.

It's Getting Dark

Here's a picture taken in Castlebar in the West Of Ireland. It was elegant in it's simplicity.

I don't know why I always find myself blogging on a Sunday evening these days. Autumn is definitely in the air and the evenings are closing in. I don't like the dark nights and part of me closes in with them.


I spent the last couple of days in Castlebar on the occasion of one of my best friends Mum's funeral. David's Mum Mary was only 56 and died of cancer. The funeral was a peaceful tribute to a loving and vibrant woman, who I am sorry I never got to meet. She died in the gentle care of her family at home. Her long journey over, and the grief journey of her family continues. It has been a difficult time for them and a reflection of their love was seen in their care of her. Heavenly Father, grant them peace in their time of distress.


I realise that with the change in the evening light, the Summer draws to a close and with it the list that I set myself to do. It has, on reflection, been more of a wish list than a list of achieveables. I did inded get to IKEA and Jonathan now has more storage but less floor space in his room. I did manage to get the alarm serviced, the NTL TV cable fixed (an achievement in anyone's books), read a few books, fill the oil tank and do a little disseratation research. I even managed to get an overgrown toddler to tidy his room and clear out some space ( well have you ever tried to get a parent to stop hoarding and get rid of stuff they are unlikely to ever use? Every time my back was turned, Dad was trying to hide stuff to keep!!!!!!)


Mum remains in hospital but us improving steadily. She will stay there for another 3-4 weeks and is then for review. We are trying to get things in order to allow her to return home rather than into long term care but the Health Board mantra of "we have no budget available" is getting somewhat tedious. Dad is determined to care for her at home and despite all the beaurocracy it looks like this will be possible.


I recommend a great book I am reading at the moment. Jodi Picoult -My Sister's Keeper is another challenging medical ethic book. I think I already recommended Change of Heart by the same author. My Sister's Keeper is about a young girl who was conceived to facilitate her sister's recovery from leukaemia as a stem cell donor. She is tired of providing a spare parts service and sues her parents for the right to say no (i.e medical emancipation) to and further decisions to use her as a donor despite the fact that she is aware they are now looking to remove one of her kidneys to attempt to prolong her sister's life. It is extremely well written and explores an aspect of modern sibling donation I had not considered. If you want to borrow it, let me know.


That's about it. Jonathan's Junior Cert rersults are out on the 10th, I don't know who is bracing themselves more, me or him. Jess is off at Electric picnic, the last festival of the Summer and she starts back to college on the 15th and me the week after. Where did all the Summer go?????

Mudstock

Hello fans! (Anyone still out there since I got home?)
Another week has gone by and what have I got to show for it? Well I finished the first series of House, have done a bit of baking, sorted out and put away my study notes for this year and ordered more books I don't have time to read on Amazon (I just like getting the post). I went to the college library and got an impressive pile of books to start researching my dissertation. I need to make a start on it as I have no idea how my workload will settle with the possible needs around Mum's potential discharge in September.
So I had a lovely afternoon trying to establish the best definition of death. Not as easy as it would appear. I finally got it sorted and I realised that, of course, the definition would have needed to change on the 1960's with the advent of heart transplant surgery and bypass machines. I had the dissertation sorted in my head at the end of term but now realise I forgot the grand plan somewhere and need to re-establish the project's direction.
Jonathan came home from scout camp a day earlier than he should have. The torrential rain over the last 24 hours rained them out and the organisers of the jambouree requested that any that could leave should do so as the camp was completely flooded. He got home smelly and damp at 11 pm last night having had a whale of a time. He seems to have grown again, must have been all the rain.
Mum is doing very well at the moment and has always enjoyed the Olympic games. She will be in hospital for the forseeable future though she continues to improve. It will be a difficult transition home when the time comes and we hope that Dad will get a bit more backup from the health services when the time comes.
During this week I hope to reform the shape of my dissertation, do another but of clearing out, go to IKEA in Belfast, put my photos of Canada into an album and sort out Jonathan's school books, finish at least 3 of the 4 books I'm reading at the moment and try to cook a couple of new experimental dishes. That should take care of things and keep me out of trouble for a while.

Sex

Having got your attention, I will just waffle on as per usual. Admit it though, for just a brief moment you thought you had wandered into an alternate universe! :-)

I was watching House MD on my laptop a few minutes ago and I realise that the medical team on it aren't that good because they get the obscure diagnosis wrong at least twice before they hit on the correct one and manage to administer the right treatment. When they are trying out the various life saving medications, they are always an interesting colour and always have to be administered by IV. I think they should be told to hold off until they get to their 3rd diagnosis sorted and then solve the case. While I am on the subject of TV programmes - How come nobody has realised that wherever Jessica Fletcher is, someone will die? I don't actually watch "Murder She Wrote" but you all know what I mean. And another thing - how come the word "MURDER" always sounds more seriously fatal when said in a strong Scottish accent? Try it!!!!!

I was preaching and thaking the service in Kilternan today. The people in Kilternan are really the lovliest people and the most supportive group. The Gospel reading was from Matthew, the feeding of the 5000 (Men, as the women and children weren't counted). I had sought the assistance of 4 members of the congregation last week for this week and they were fab and helped with my sermon today. They were willing to tell the story of how God is palpable in their lives. We heard of everything from the humble runner bean to cosmic dust. Fabulous.

I have been reading a lot of different bits and pieces over the last while. I have just finished the light and fluffy "Book Club" by an Irish author, but previouslyto that I read Judy Picoult's wonderful "Change of Heart" a story about a death row prisioner who sought to donate his heart to the sibling of the child he was guilty of killing. Read it if you can, dark and uncomfortable but well worth the effort. I am also reading Gerald of Wales Medieval description of Ireland and Gene Robinson's autobiography "In the Eye Of The Storm". I still have such a big pile of books I want to read this Summer - there's not wnough hours in the day.

Just for your entertainment I post picture of Abner the Sailor Dog.

Odd

Isn't it strange, I was thinking to myself how little I have done and how I don't have anything to report as life is really revolving round the hospital and home and then I relised that it isn't strictly true. Mum is holding her own and being very well cared for in Tallaght. jacq and I are aware that nurses make the worst relatives to deal with but the staff have been very kind. She seems to be making steady progress but thoughts of her coming home are a while off yet. We hope and pray that she will see enough progress to make the transition home when the time comes.

I went to see then new Batman movie on Friday night. While I had mixed feelings about the movie - the acting standard of some of the major actors was pretty crap, including Michale Caine, Maggie Gyllenhal and the guy that played Harvey - it was worth sitting through for the sheer stand out quality of Heath Ledgers performance. I was determined not to be influenced by the fact that he had died but the way he played the joker was truly worthy of an Oscar. I had admired his skill in Brokeback Mountain but this really upped the ante. Wow. Such a shame a talented guy was consumed by his own darkness. RIP

The other thing I did this week was attend a criminal court to support someone called to give a character witness. I was struck by the similarities between court and church. Both assume a basic knowledge of the language involved, both have special clothing worn, both have justice at their focus. It was a fascinating opportunity to be a fly on the wall in the workings of the law.

With a bit of luck this week I will read some worthy books, get the parcel of peanut butter chips I posted myself from Canada (note to those in college with me: don't mock it, you will be eating the cookies I make, you know you will!!!!!),try to start my finess regieme, and startr the long awaited house clearance in preparation for next year. That should be enough to keep me out of trouble .........briefly. I have included another photo of Canada- not because I am there still but because I haven't found many people to bore with them yet. These lupins grow wild on the side of the road - everywhere. They are beautiful.